recently i decided to write less in the impersonal tone, and auditing command style. like a messiah beating down crap, oh- words. Maybe its more interesting , to read it like that. recently, i realized i have no idea what i am dong with my life. if you remember back to when you were like 16, or something when you were so sure of yourself. funny thing is i do not wish for anyone to read my blog. its better knowing that these thoughts i jargon down here, are not ciphered into some caterpillar on the other side of a green computer screen. and i write as i think , because some ideas get lost in the deep chasm of things. writing that takes tremendous detail is the type i guess you should aim for. flaubert, knew without exception all his characters from the beginning to the end. truman capote, who was a very largely impressed and a fan of the former. i however dont think like that. i mean i generalize it to the rather out of context-ness. it is dangerous for others to read your thoughts, like pennies collected they make out something, if not much. yes, back to myself about life- seems like i have been drifting . sometimes things go blank. i think i will be less stressful about things. one thing you learn as you age, is to loosen up. ive learned to detangle inside. but it means doing it, not the opposite of action. the world, like an ocean, swallows up so much of what i possess, but then again i remember my master's words, like clear pearls drifting in the sky; ive decided to do more breathing exercises in yoga. and once this tattoo heals i plan to take bikram yoga ,2x weekly. the heat will be beneficial to expel toxins that get built up in the body- funny how yogi's and such men spend a vast amount of time cleaning out the body and such, while investigating the mind. while so many of us, spend our times gorging, or eating things, breathing things, thinking angry things(to an extent that it disrupts into violence that is, merely getting emotional has no significant consequence- meaning it is the usual flow of things, but the awareness that stems it from going beyond a certain losing capacity is what is crucial. energy is what is lost, and what yogis maintain. not just a yogi, but one who like a swan lives in the world. so far, i have been systematically trying to improve diet. sometimes i lapse. the skin is the best display of your gross inside. it displays how you eat, what you drink, and whatever else is detoxified inside or vice versa. i learned how to eat properly only the hard way, after years. stubborn , the bull mind takes long to bend. but the bend is what matters. after you leave behind that stop, you will forget where you started. now i plan to improve breathing. smoking and drinking are not good either, but it is not really expected to be totally eliminated, just like masturbation or sex. but a minimal in a month, is the best expenditure. these are not concerns the average person cares about, might sound superfluous or neurotic, but to the spiritually keen, like myself, i always have the inner fight, always. it is the price i pay for the great association of my master, and the insight i have developed as a result of those many years. the energy i have applied, there in that field has given small fruits, and long windy ways for me to travel . my masters words , strike clear in my heart, so that when even i read those pages of yogis from back long ago, i am reminded of my own experience, and can fully inhale the sweet praise of divinity. that sound is the absence of noise. anhata sahbda. the volume of true believing.in fact i am not all lost. when i think of others like emerson said the distant vices, i see clearly which i lack. and know that i am moving slowly, toward a whole place, just have to keep working, and remove the dust. , the lack of effort. and get in better shape. muscle brings in girls. we all know that. but i mean , its a small part of your life really- but should not be ignored, not at least for your sake, skin being clean and all that. it rained lately. feels good. although i say i dont like the rain, i say things opposite- it is great. the rain makes LA bearable. thats why it only joins in sometimes almost never. be glad to graduate, and get out of this city. for once , be better to be at home except the cost of vegetables and fruits. i think i have made many lies out of things. need to straighten it out i suppose one day. find a route. where though?>