i read somewhere , a person saying that they can't write if they know no one is reading. i think i have the opposite effect. i prefer to keep a large amount of words, my thoughts that i need to pour out , but would rather have no one reading those words. i have a lot of secrets. not intentionally, just the nature of life. i would not call them secrets in the conventional sense, but deep spiritual ones, which i cannot explain to anyone, even if the same blood coursing through - ..

at times i think i have lost my entire sex drive. Over the previous summer i kept a special yoga practice that required absolutely no loss of semen, in any shape or form. I kept it up for 3 months i think. My best. I know, it may seem neurotic. But if you have even done 6 months worth of meditation regularly, you can attest to my feelings. spirituality is not a subjective science. it is systematic, like any science or field. it is totally hardcore. those who are hippies, do not feel that way because they have destroyed the nervous system with drugs. spirituality is one of the hardest fields to make progress in, because a good teacher is impossible to get. I have very sharp opinions on these, because like the few, i have actual substantiative experience. not just random sensations. The secrets of meditation, are known to those who engage in the esoteric art themselves. There is a place you get to so deep, that even in regular hours, you will remember those moments, and wish to return to them.

I cannot say my experience has been the exact way - but it has lead me , into places, out of journeys which I could not imagine.

they have to make something so that i can keep thousands of tabs open on Mozilla without risk of slowing down.

I have not smoked today. just one pull. amazing is it not. [ah I succumbed , at 5 till 11, ..uno]

cook rice in the water beets were boiled in - keeps all the nutrients.

food related- hand pounded wheat/rice

titles for books im considering:

food for the depressed ( i want to write a book on holistic food, spirituality(only hindu /indian), and modern life, and depression, and poverty amongst the youth and what happens)

I find that even the brightest minds are not really doing anything to help poverty, i mean besides cashing a check [this is not accurate obviously, as I am generalizing here]. Thats the easiest thing even if its billions. Actually spending day to day and helping others. I plan to go to India after my culinary school prior my masters, and travel- not to the ashram, but real places- where I can gather ancient information on plants, herbs, and medicines that have died out. I will have to brush up my language skills: Malayalam, French, Japanese. i need to master all three preferably. When I read all these blogs, all these kids( mainly in Boston - the hub of intellectuals) coming together brainstorming, it makes me sad that I am stuck in Los Angeles. This city, with its dry heat, and horrible education standards at one of the most priciest schools on the American peninsula. I find that most kids, are dry, quiet here, or keep to themselves , initially that is. Maybe I've just been here, and the lack of food today is making me irritable. But I find that this city and its academics are too cut and dry, nothing new, just the same boring standards- thats what math feels like- like we are doing the same damn thing since 400 years. Like, has not anything been applied to reality? Is it all meaningless , except to the math minded. I sincerely, have lost the retrospect for what i was studying. I am not sure where I want to go or where. But certainly I will write this book, because I myself suffered from severe depression. Not the external crying, slitting, cutting. No the deep kind, that does not reveal itself to anyone. Just keeps quiet. Thats a deeper type of sadness, one that does not express itself implicitly. Such people are harder to tell from face . I am one of those. And so, I 'd like to write something to help those like me, who dont have the most fortunate backgrounds to be smiling, but should be, because there are exciting things beyond the very realm that minds get stuck in. A good example is the violence around the neighborhood- I wonder why it does not change. Because USC has no real initiative to substantiate its claims that its helping. It should have an active pact with schools for their students to come here. otherwise why does academics claim all these nonsense ideals?

Was reading a host of sites; every now and then, i start to spam over the web, ( my way of saying wasting time looking through links from ordinary sources) . First I started with a Harvard student's blog, not much substance, but all the links, and from there, gave me a whole list of information. MIT's graduate studies department": CMS- is really interesting. I wish I had thought about some major like that instead of mathematics. That stuff seems really relevant and alive. The shit I do in class is just so dead. Really, who uses multivariable calculus besides some hi-tech individuals? . I am sorry I am not speaking like a college student, but someone over 25. I have been in school too long, starting to make me feel like my head is gonna blow.
Here are the sites:

http://www.henryjenkins.org
- hes a little on the bizarre side, but some cool information, like cutting edge; thats what I like about the east coast, they are doing things where there has been no market set up[ a few more words about this guy, if you did media/communication then you know this prolific person. he's coming to usc from MIT. in my opinion, maybe he will get his research more collaborative, but i do not think he will find those minds like students, but then again he isn't really a teacher. you know now i think of it, what happened to those who teach others?....anyways, yeah he's big, got some books, make you think more...]

http://futureoftheinternet.org/
-- this is good too, but you should research the author, he has a lot of interesting things to say.

Well from those I found like over a 1000 different blog and other academia related stuff.

Now that I realize how cool knowledge is in that aspect, makes me see it all differently. From the University of South Side, its just cut and dry, and oh yeah the heavy sticker price to step foot on the sidewalks.

Something for the future: giving access to poorer kids, what richer kids see: e.g. Harvard, MIT, all the latest informations; how to make it accessible to those around me, who just see the bleakness of life. I mean if I feel it to be bleak, and I am not even that bad off, how about the rest below. huh.

horimitsu of tokyo horitoshi family was the one who did john mayer's arm. he has a blog honey tattoo, showcasing daily work. im not sure how much of it is tebori. and machine.